Sadness is...
Running to win for your team, but teammates not interested in/unable to winning. And getting no recognition.
Constantly hounded by food problems.
Rejection by DSTA in the final interview.
Joy is...
When I finally exticate myself.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Wow...this was hot!
This fiery ball of nuclear reactor. God...Am I swimming in a tokamak's plasma or something I wonder! The deluge of cold water on my head after my "nap" definitely helped extinguished the raging flames! As my senses start returning, I'm wondering how poor kids in Africa and other water-deficient, drought suffering LDC endure their own hell, considering that I, a relatively rich person in a MDC, can't take this heat already!
Talking about my nap, this was no nap. Instead, it was probably one of the oddest and most painful heat-induced period of hallucinations/illusions I had. Within the that 1 hour of sleep, I experienced a few odd simultaneous dreams, awakening in between them. And in this hour, much as I wanted to wake, the ravenous firestorm was devouring my strength with unequivocal glee, turning me into a raged and wasted burnt log. I'm surprised I managed to master the strength to rush to the kitchen, sink my head into the sink, and let flow that gush of life from the taps. Because try as I might during this painful hour, I could not move my body much beyond a whimper. That throbbing pain in my head...! Argh!
Moving on to the "dreams", which on reflections were resembled more of hallucations. Why hallucinations? Cause I clearly remember being awake and still mumbling "fuck ronnie", somehow believing he was the cause of this pain! My perspective of reality was definitely in question then as I stradled the parallel worlds of illusion and reality. In THAT particular confused dream, I believed I was back in camp and ronnie had turned off the air con unit "in accordance to his religion". And he refused to turn on the aircon despite the draining heat drinking away at my strength. That moment, I was screaming away "What the hell! Fuck you ronnie, your re crazy man!", and other assortment of insults and curses even as I gradually collasped (in my dreams only I believe, coz my parents would prolly have been rendered stunned and called for an ambulance...). I believe I sort of woke up then, coz I saw my pillow. And started mumbling, "fuck you ronnie" even as my depleted body sunk into another dream...
So now in this dream, I was engaged in a "heated" discussion with some dark skinned people on "Free lunches in India". No surprises, the room we were in was a furnace. Yup. I remember the topic VERY vividly too. This was the dream I had just before I managed to break the chain of collaspe, dream, wake, and collaspe. Our discussion, barring the fact that the topic itself was very unusual, went about in circles, literally. I mean, when a person describes a speaker or discussion going about in circles, he is probably alluding to the fact that the speaker or discussion is not developing any new ideas. In MY discussion, we just went about nodding our heads going "no free lunches in india" and "no free lunches", with the heat beating down on us. In midst of this repetitive discussion, the tv in the room switched itself on to announce a title, "What is JK?", with Bill Clinton's face flashed across the screen. Apparently, it was an investigation in to a shadowy corporation called JK, which officials believed to be malicious and dangerous. The program then eventually revealed JK to be a gargantun pilantrophic organisation headed by Mr Clinton that was helping suffering children around the world, with emphasis on the Sub-saharan regions! The moment this was announced, I saw sand around me and started feel my skin burning.
Whence I opened my eyes, saw my pillow, heard my mum talking away loudly outside my room, and immediately dashed to the kitchen for that spring to return to me my life.
Talking about my nap, this was no nap. Instead, it was probably one of the oddest and most painful heat-induced period of hallucinations/illusions I had. Within the that 1 hour of sleep, I experienced a few odd simultaneous dreams, awakening in between them. And in this hour, much as I wanted to wake, the ravenous firestorm was devouring my strength with unequivocal glee, turning me into a raged and wasted burnt log. I'm surprised I managed to master the strength to rush to the kitchen, sink my head into the sink, and let flow that gush of life from the taps. Because try as I might during this painful hour, I could not move my body much beyond a whimper. That throbbing pain in my head...! Argh!
Moving on to the "dreams", which on reflections were resembled more of hallucations. Why hallucinations? Cause I clearly remember being awake and still mumbling "fuck ronnie", somehow believing he was the cause of this pain! My perspective of reality was definitely in question then as I stradled the parallel worlds of illusion and reality. In THAT particular confused dream, I believed I was back in camp and ronnie had turned off the air con unit "in accordance to his religion". And he refused to turn on the aircon despite the draining heat drinking away at my strength. That moment, I was screaming away "What the hell! Fuck you ronnie, your re crazy man!", and other assortment of insults and curses even as I gradually collasped (in my dreams only I believe, coz my parents would prolly have been rendered stunned and called for an ambulance...). I believe I sort of woke up then, coz I saw my pillow. And started mumbling, "fuck you ronnie" even as my depleted body sunk into another dream...
So now in this dream, I was engaged in a "heated" discussion with some dark skinned people on "Free lunches in India". No surprises, the room we were in was a furnace. Yup. I remember the topic VERY vividly too. This was the dream I had just before I managed to break the chain of collaspe, dream, wake, and collaspe. Our discussion, barring the fact that the topic itself was very unusual, went about in circles, literally. I mean, when a person describes a speaker or discussion going about in circles, he is probably alluding to the fact that the speaker or discussion is not developing any new ideas. In MY discussion, we just went about nodding our heads going "no free lunches in india" and "no free lunches", with the heat beating down on us. In midst of this repetitive discussion, the tv in the room switched itself on to announce a title, "What is JK?", with Bill Clinton's face flashed across the screen. Apparently, it was an investigation in to a shadowy corporation called JK, which officials believed to be malicious and dangerous. The program then eventually revealed JK to be a gargantun pilantrophic organisation headed by Mr Clinton that was helping suffering children around the world, with emphasis on the Sub-saharan regions! The moment this was announced, I saw sand around me and started feel my skin burning.
Whence I opened my eyes, saw my pillow, heard my mum talking away loudly outside my room, and immediately dashed to the kitchen for that spring to return to me my life.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Harvester of sorrow plows through me,
reaps my joy.
Seeder of misery plants its progeny,
progenitor of my anguish my pain.
Devoid,
desolation,
breeding ground
for the psyche's dilapidation.
But hold your scythe grim reaper,
for my soul is not your reward.
Your harvester seizes and breaks without pain for lubricant;
your seeder chokes when you push too far.
And I'll smother you
with my pounding heart.
reaps my joy.
Seeder of misery plants its progeny,
progenitor of my anguish my pain.
Devoid,
desolation,
breeding ground
for the psyche's dilapidation.
But hold your scythe grim reaper,
for my soul is not your reward.
Your harvester seizes and breaks without pain for lubricant;
your seeder chokes when you push too far.
And I'll smother you
with my pounding heart.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Needlework your way,
crumbling away,
like...pie crumbs?
lol...
I wanna play like Kirk, wanna play like Petrucci, wanna play like Slash, wanna play like a host of other shredders! Just tried playing master of puppets. Puppets felt tortured by me, and declared a leave of absence from me until I can learn to play bah bah black sheep, much less MOP.
Anger,
misery,
you suffer unto me.
Delirious figure wavering in the wind,
seeks pain, relieve.
Interwoven with optimism and pessimism,
mind of two worlds it vacillates.
The fall of the scythe,
or the arrival of the stork,
portentous clouds,
or wispy foam?
This life that I forsake?
Or forsaked?
This life that I regain?
Or regained?
Past and future converges and diverges,
present never stabalises.
crumbling away,
like...pie crumbs?
lol...
I wanna play like Kirk, wanna play like Petrucci, wanna play like Slash, wanna play like a host of other shredders! Just tried playing master of puppets. Puppets felt tortured by me, and declared a leave of absence from me until I can learn to play bah bah black sheep, much less MOP.
Anger,
misery,
you suffer unto me.
Delirious figure wavering in the wind,
seeks pain, relieve.
Interwoven with optimism and pessimism,
mind of two worlds it vacillates.
The fall of the scythe,
or the arrival of the stork,
portentous clouds,
or wispy foam?
This life that I forsake?
Or forsaked?
This life that I regain?
Or regained?
Past and future converges and diverges,
present never stabalises.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Bountiful harvest
Skies cleared,
rain ended,
we cheered,
and regreted.
Never seen,
never knew,
so feel
my pain.
Ignorance
breeds strength,
that whilst false,
stands stronger
than any cultivation.
Grant me resilience
and wisdom
and common sense.
And rouse me from my sleep.
rain ended,
we cheered,
and regreted.
Never seen,
never knew,
so feel
my pain.
Ignorance
breeds strength,
that whilst false,
stands stronger
than any cultivation.
Grant me resilience
and wisdom
and common sense.
And rouse me from my sleep.
Bountiful harvest
Skies cleared,
rain ended,
we cheered,
and regreted.
Never seen,
never knew,
so feel
my pain.
Ignorance
breeds strength,
that whilst false,
stands stronger
than any cultivation.
Grant me resilience
and wisdom
and common sense.
And rouse me from my sleep.
rain ended,
we cheered,
and regreted.
Never seen,
never knew,
so feel
my pain.
Ignorance
breeds strength,
that whilst false,
stands stronger
than any cultivation.
Grant me resilience
and wisdom
and common sense.
And rouse me from my sleep.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Act I
I'm begging you, from the bottom of my heart,
to find me beauty find me truth.
Because I need to lead a life,
I need to lead a life now.
Yes, I'm begging you.
From the bottom of a heart torn asunder.
Torn and putrified.
Almost.
Oh yes, I'm begging you.
To find me true beauty,
to find me truth.
So that I may have back my heart,
of eternal hope,
and not one,
of spiralling dread.
So please,
I'm begging you,
drag me out from this false reality,
return me to my true fantasy,
because I forgot why I lost you.
Prologue - Act I
Once,
when I wielded power,
I forgot what power was.
Holding it without consideration,
I lost it without consideration.
Anasthesized I was,
I sensed something,
but did nothing,
for the senses are thus immuned to triggers.
And thus began a slip from reality.
Prologue - Act II
Swarmed with walking men,
swarmed with talking humans,
swarmed with sentinent beings!
I felt a gaping hole within me!
Prologue - Act III
My novocaine wore off...
...and the post-surgery truth struck mercilessly.
Dazed and confused I was.
I did not think it possible to worm my way back.
Yes, I would have been satisfied to crawl, to snake my way back like the spineless creature I have become,
For I was brought to my knees.
Prologue - Act IV
And crawl this worm did,
like a peripathetic traveller,
he migrated from point to point,
scavenging for lost pieces of crystals,
the shattered memories of his.
And astoundingly,
a map gradually emerged.
Prologue - Act V
The gaping wound recovered slightly;
entropy washed away some painful memories.
So for a moment in time,
this worm became conceited,
and believed he had learnt to walk.
Proudly he stood,
with no backbone.
But a worm is small,
and a vertically balanced worm has great resemblence to standing.
So the surrounding audience applauded him.
Awashed with pride as he basked in glory,
This worm felt it possible to be moses
to guide his fellow people to a new world.
Prologue - Act VI
A slight breeze,
the worm wavered,
but still stood.
"I definitely have reached a new milestone!' , thought the worm.
A gale followed,
the worm bent backwards,
but eventually maintained it vertical stance.
"Well, I have seen humans fall backwards too! What happened to me was normal!" , thought the worm, convincing himself.
Prologue - Act VII
The air started drying,
portendous of a simoon.
The worm knew but did not believe.
The worm then believed, but placed trust in a wall of sand.
The worm lost trust when the sand wall disintegrated and returned to hit its builder with maglinant vengence, but decided to wisely abandon reality.
The worm can stand!
Prologue - Act VIII (Conclusion)
A worm stood against the unbridled might of a thousand horses.
Stinging pain and acrid dryness the worm felt.
Unsurprisingly,
the worm lost its footing.
Of course,
it was not lost without a good fight,
and a good fight that worm sure made,
but just as 300 men could not stop an army,
a worm is still a worm,
and it cannot battle the merciless hunger of destructive nature.
The worm lost its grip finally,
but it still gripped hard,
the map it had painstackingly gather.
Unfortunately,
the storm did not have to be as painstacking in ripping apart that map.
Still, the worm saved a portion.
I'm begging you, from the bottom of my heart,
to find me beauty find me truth.
Because I need to lead a life,
I need to lead a life now.
Yes, I'm begging you.
From the bottom of a heart torn asunder.
Torn and putrified.
Almost.
Oh yes, I'm begging you.
To find me true beauty,
to find me truth.
So that I may have back my heart,
of eternal hope,
and not one,
of spiralling dread.
So please,
I'm begging you,
drag me out from this false reality,
return me to my true fantasy,
because I forgot why I lost you.
Prologue - Act I
Once,
when I wielded power,
I forgot what power was.
Holding it without consideration,
I lost it without consideration.
Anasthesized I was,
I sensed something,
but did nothing,
for the senses are thus immuned to triggers.
And thus began a slip from reality.
Prologue - Act II
Swarmed with walking men,
swarmed with talking humans,
swarmed with sentinent beings!
I felt a gaping hole within me!
Prologue - Act III
My novocaine wore off...
...and the post-surgery truth struck mercilessly.
Dazed and confused I was.
I did not think it possible to worm my way back.
Yes, I would have been satisfied to crawl, to snake my way back like the spineless creature I have become,
For I was brought to my knees.
Prologue - Act IV
And crawl this worm did,
like a peripathetic traveller,
he migrated from point to point,
scavenging for lost pieces of crystals,
the shattered memories of his.
And astoundingly,
a map gradually emerged.
Prologue - Act V
The gaping wound recovered slightly;
entropy washed away some painful memories.
So for a moment in time,
this worm became conceited,
and believed he had learnt to walk.
Proudly he stood,
with no backbone.
But a worm is small,
and a vertically balanced worm has great resemblence to standing.
So the surrounding audience applauded him.
Awashed with pride as he basked in glory,
This worm felt it possible to be moses
to guide his fellow people to a new world.
Prologue - Act VI
A slight breeze,
the worm wavered,
but still stood.
"I definitely have reached a new milestone!' , thought the worm.
A gale followed,
the worm bent backwards,
but eventually maintained it vertical stance.
"Well, I have seen humans fall backwards too! What happened to me was normal!" , thought the worm, convincing himself.
Prologue - Act VII
The air started drying,
portendous of a simoon.
The worm knew but did not believe.
The worm then believed, but placed trust in a wall of sand.
The worm lost trust when the sand wall disintegrated and returned to hit its builder with maglinant vengence, but decided to wisely abandon reality.
The worm can stand!
Prologue - Act VIII (Conclusion)
A worm stood against the unbridled might of a thousand horses.
Stinging pain and acrid dryness the worm felt.
Unsurprisingly,
the worm lost its footing.
Of course,
it was not lost without a good fight,
and a good fight that worm sure made,
but just as 300 men could not stop an army,
a worm is still a worm,
and it cannot battle the merciless hunger of destructive nature.
The worm lost its grip finally,
but it still gripped hard,
the map it had painstackingly gather.
Unfortunately,
the storm did not have to be as painstacking in ripping apart that map.
Still, the worm saved a portion.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Just completed my run and took a break. And decided that I just had to post this.
How many of ya have seen TV shows or movies of folks being chased by dogs whilst jogging? Now, how many of ya were laughing away at the sheer hilarity of an adult being chased by dogs? Finally, how many of ya actually have had such an incident replayed on you?
The title of this entry is self-explanatory. A pack of stray dogs did give chase whilst I was jogging. The cacophony of barks they gave prolly woke the block opposite too. So what really happened?
I am baffled myself as what turned on the dogs. I know for certain they make their home in the forested area along the road. I have also jogged past them aplenty to no detriment to either mine or their mental health. Yet they seemed incredibly agitated today while I approached them. One started barking as my jogging path took me to greater proximity with them. Thinking it might have just woke up on the wrong side of bed today or something (remember that they normally figure me for a speck of dirt whizzing past them, hence my relative nonchalence towards them), I continued my jog. This apparently incensed this one dog, for it started ringing out louder barks that summoned two other dogs from the pack. A little worried now, my pace quickened as a racing pulse accelerated further. The age-old adage of not running on seeing a furious dog had clearly went out of the window. Prolly sensing an early breakfast, the dogs gave chase. At a loss, the author sprinted across the road which provided the trigger for a contest to bite my butt. Now, how did I survive this? Stay tuned!
Oh, btw, Ryan, ya still think pontianaks are the only scary things along jogging routes?!
How many of ya have seen TV shows or movies of folks being chased by dogs whilst jogging? Now, how many of ya were laughing away at the sheer hilarity of an adult being chased by dogs? Finally, how many of ya actually have had such an incident replayed on you?
The title of this entry is self-explanatory. A pack of stray dogs did give chase whilst I was jogging. The cacophony of barks they gave prolly woke the block opposite too. So what really happened?
I am baffled myself as what turned on the dogs. I know for certain they make their home in the forested area along the road. I have also jogged past them aplenty to no detriment to either mine or their mental health. Yet they seemed incredibly agitated today while I approached them. One started barking as my jogging path took me to greater proximity with them. Thinking it might have just woke up on the wrong side of bed today or something (remember that they normally figure me for a speck of dirt whizzing past them, hence my relative nonchalence towards them), I continued my jog. This apparently incensed this one dog, for it started ringing out louder barks that summoned two other dogs from the pack. A little worried now, my pace quickened as a racing pulse accelerated further. The age-old adage of not running on seeing a furious dog had clearly went out of the window. Prolly sensing an early breakfast, the dogs gave chase. At a loss, the author sprinted across the road which provided the trigger for a contest to bite my butt. Now, how did I survive this? Stay tuned!
Oh, btw, Ryan, ya still think pontianaks are the only scary things along jogging routes?!
Monday, February 12, 2007
| YOUR REPORT CARD: | |
| Category | Grade |
| Love | D |
| Friends and Family | B |
| Body | A |
| Mind | C |
| Finance / Career | D |
| Your Life's Average Grade: C | |
| 'What is your Life Grade?' at QuizGalaxy.com | |
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Sunday, January 21, 2007
We're seeking a fleeting dream in a world with no answers
The shining blaze in my heart will convey my wish
We're seeking an endless dream in a world with no guidance
Even if I lose this light someday
there will still be the shining blaze you lit in my heart
We'll turn these fragments of hope into wings
-From Tsubasa Reservior Chronicles
My light is critically dimmed. Will my wings still re-emerge? Can I still spread them, or dare to spread them?
Psychic spies steal my mind,
leave me empty within,
to see the joy around,
to ignore the pain that abounds.
I hate my home. I hate this life. I hate being 20 this year. I hate being born to my parents. Hatred used to be so good, when I could use it as a spur to better myself. Hatred now leaves me empty. You know what I regret most? Collasping at my peak. Collasping, ala twin towers. Collasping. Might as well have a nice cyanide pill now?
leave me empty within,
to see the joy around,
to ignore the pain that abounds.
I hate my home. I hate this life. I hate being 20 this year. I hate being born to my parents. Hatred used to be so good, when I could use it as a spur to better myself. Hatred now leaves me empty. You know what I regret most? Collasping at my peak. Collasping, ala twin towers. Collasping. Might as well have a nice cyanide pill now?
Saturday, January 20, 2007
haven't really had the chance to blog recently. the sleep schedule of 10/11 - 4 + work schedule of 7.30/8 - 5/5.30/infinity means that I rarely surf on my comp nowadays...
------------
In any case, a certain bout of pensive thoughts struck me again recently. I suddenly realised that I'll be 20 this year. 20? Yet I can still get by on public transport paying student fares, and many people (including the nurse at ryan's ex-ward) believe me to be in the range of 14-15! And honestly, I wld rather remain that age.
-------------
I was supposed to head out with ryan, kc and twinkle today to chill around (and shop haha) at vivo. Took a nap at around 2+. then woke with this massive stomach cramp at around 3+ coupled with a sore throat and green phlegm-jammed throat! WTF. The weekends man, the weekends, and I get sick? Now, I would be letting off fireworks if this were monday or something, but lord, oh lord, aren't you a cruel jerk. Hopefully you'll see the error of your ways dude, and redeem yourself quickly...
------------
In any case, a certain bout of pensive thoughts struck me again recently. I suddenly realised that I'll be 20 this year. 20? Yet I can still get by on public transport paying student fares, and many people (including the nurse at ryan's ex-ward) believe me to be in the range of 14-15! And honestly, I wld rather remain that age.
-------------
I was supposed to head out with ryan, kc and twinkle today to chill around (and shop haha) at vivo. Took a nap at around 2+. then woke with this massive stomach cramp at around 3+ coupled with a sore throat and green phlegm-jammed throat! WTF. The weekends man, the weekends, and I get sick? Now, I would be letting off fireworks if this were monday or something, but lord, oh lord, aren't you a cruel jerk. Hopefully you'll see the error of your ways dude, and redeem yourself quickly...
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Monday, January 08, 2007
Wierd life. Wierd world. Wierd people.
Man, if only I didn't have to go to office. I could have rushed down or something. I don't know. It might not really be useful, but at least I can be there. But I ended up being stuck in camp. And despite the possession of an "internet comp" in office, I can't even log on to hotmail to send any emails. And I cldn't call the man during office hours. And when I finally can call him, he's not in office. And when I finally emails him, he has an auto-reply telling me he's on leave. I just hope my boy there can endure it man, for now. Be strong. There's people out here waiting for you, and trying their best to get you out. Strength buddy.
It really seems wierd how parents can want to hurt their child. Its odd. But if you folks seem to have given up on him, his friends haven't. If u decide you can't be bothered with him, we will take over. But no need to send a person straight to hell when helping hands abound.
Man, if only I didn't have to go to office. I could have rushed down or something. I don't know. It might not really be useful, but at least I can be there. But I ended up being stuck in camp. And despite the possession of an "internet comp" in office, I can't even log on to hotmail to send any emails. And I cldn't call the man during office hours. And when I finally can call him, he's not in office. And when I finally emails him, he has an auto-reply telling me he's on leave. I just hope my boy there can endure it man, for now. Be strong. There's people out here waiting for you, and trying their best to get you out. Strength buddy.
It really seems wierd how parents can want to hurt their child. Its odd. But if you folks seem to have given up on him, his friends haven't. If u decide you can't be bothered with him, we will take over. But no need to send a person straight to hell when helping hands abound.
Saturday, January 06, 2007
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
They don't want me here
Oh, posted to G2 branch here, and its apparent no one there really wants me there. G2's an intel branch, for the uniniated, and normally they are sent outfield for training and stuff, which PES E folks like us are not allowed to participate in. Hence the folks are quite unwilling to put effort into training someone who can't do anything for them when the need arises. The chief clerk of G2 is planning to talk to the overall chief clerk about this, hoping to transfer me out. Not that I'm complaining. The dudes here are completely different from the folks in JCAC that I'm used to. Not different in a repulsive manner, just that they seem more "mature" I guess. I can just feel that the leisure topics they have amongst themselves are completely different from those amongst the JCAC folks. Prolly more along the lines of clubbing than the best way to slack :D. And oddly, every dude there is enormous. One of the guys had an arm that was prolly twice or trice the size of mine. And that's prolly pure muscle mass. In fact, I'm prolly the shortest, smallest, and thinnest guy there lol. So I'm not complaining if they want me out. The disparity between me and them are simply to great to ignore.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Feeling oddly tired and sick. Might have been struck by some blasted flu virus. Oh wells, whatever. Anyways, I finally bought Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence by Dream Theater! Ridiculously expensive at $39.90 , but considerably cheaper than the $53.90 I saw at HMV on Sunday! Might seem a little idiotic to buy songs which I already possess, but well, those were obtained from the ususal online sources, and I believe that if ya really love a band, at least ya gotta own a legal copy of their music right! See, I'm not such a immoral pirate!
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Saw on gono's blog that he added my to some syndicate stuff. Wow, when did blogging become to complicated! I remember when I started blogging like 3-4 years ago (my old blog!) , adding marquees to my blog seemed the pinacle of blogging technical skills already! Haha, guess I've been a voyeur for too long, and with the long lapse in blogging, am now completely left out of the loop! In any case, thx for linking me, gono!
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I was planning to narrate the 1st half of my past year now. However, oddly, I can't think of where to start. Guess I'll just leave it to another time.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Saw on gono's blog that he added my to some syndicate stuff. Wow, when did blogging become to complicated! I remember when I started blogging like 3-4 years ago (my old blog!) , adding marquees to my blog seemed the pinacle of blogging technical skills already! Haha, guess I've been a voyeur for too long, and with the long lapse in blogging, am now completely left out of the loop! In any case, thx for linking me, gono!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I was planning to narrate the 1st half of my past year now. However, oddly, I can't think of where to start. Guess I'll just leave it to another time.
Monday, January 01, 2007
The desparation for an audience?
Been blog surfing this morning. Having half a mind on exercising, but i'm oddly drained. Might be due to the fact the I forced myself to complete my exercise routine yesterday despite my legs feeling about to give way any moment, and then spent the day ambling around town.
I noticed that many folks seem to have decided to post their "reflections" of the year. Might this simply be a case of the diary going online, or more probably the desire to have an audience partake in the events we have undergone? To share our joy and woe, the 21st century method? The latter seems more probable, I guess, for if there were real secrets that hurt to the core, who would want a voyeuristic crowd to indulge in it?
Feeling drained yet bored. Since I'm online already, I might as well hop onto this bandwagon and post my own reflections.
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The year 2006 seem to have come and gone in a flash for me. I remember waking on 1st Jan 2006 very desperate. Tomorrow would the big day. I will have to return to a place of both happy and haunting memories. I will have to produce a full time faux-Eugene image again, one that appears carefree and cheerful, yet deep down tormented with thoughts of death, destruction, eating disorders, mistrust... Internally, I was ripping myself apart. Externally, I was raring to go.
Why? Why is it so traumatic to go to school? Because that was not lol's 2nd year in JC. It was his 3rd. The oh-so-perfect student, with such enviable results, surprisingly became the only one from his peers to repeat a year. Of course, I might have broken some record here by being the first and only repeat student to still be granted 2 S papers on his repeat year, but I was not really interested in that in any case. I desperately wanted my student life to simply end. At the point of time, I had endured enough in 2005, and I did not want to see that land of dread and sorrow again. Unfortunately, the people around me seemed more convinced that "a talent should not go to waste", and made various and numerous persuasions for me to return. My friends kept giving "positive confirmations of my abilities", telling me I am a really smart dude etcetc, with queer amazing abilities to ace everything without the need to study. I get that u folks mean well, I thank ya, but seriously, anyone that can succeed without expending a iota of effort is not human. And I certainly am made of flesh and blood.
The truth is, no one realised that my 2nd year was a flop. I went to school in the first half of the year in a daze. Rather emaciated, mind oddly focused only on calories and death, I spent most of the time skipping school ostensibly because lessons were boring and I wanted to do my own revision, but in actuality always staring into blank space and thinking how good it would be if I could escape to another life, or prolly. Oh yeah, and the third element of my life, to memorise all caloric information on foods available. It certainly helped that I belonged to that envied top band of students for much of my life, and everyone fell hook line and sinker for my excuses. This farce and farcade continued until the mid-term holidays, when as all illusions go, eventually collaspe. Yes, the sandman's sand castle disintegrated around him, and he himself crumbled into a pile of dust.
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Being a lazy bum, the author will now take a break and continuing posting reflections on events that actually happened in 2006, not some sad story of 2005.
I noticed that many folks seem to have decided to post their "reflections" of the year. Might this simply be a case of the diary going online, or more probably the desire to have an audience partake in the events we have undergone? To share our joy and woe, the 21st century method? The latter seems more probable, I guess, for if there were real secrets that hurt to the core, who would want a voyeuristic crowd to indulge in it?
Feeling drained yet bored. Since I'm online already, I might as well hop onto this bandwagon and post my own reflections.
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The year 2006 seem to have come and gone in a flash for me. I remember waking on 1st Jan 2006 very desperate. Tomorrow would the big day. I will have to return to a place of both happy and haunting memories. I will have to produce a full time faux-Eugene image again, one that appears carefree and cheerful, yet deep down tormented with thoughts of death, destruction, eating disorders, mistrust... Internally, I was ripping myself apart. Externally, I was raring to go.
Why? Why is it so traumatic to go to school? Because that was not lol's 2nd year in JC. It was his 3rd. The oh-so-perfect student, with such enviable results, surprisingly became the only one from his peers to repeat a year. Of course, I might have broken some record here by being the first and only repeat student to still be granted 2 S papers on his repeat year, but I was not really interested in that in any case. I desperately wanted my student life to simply end. At the point of time, I had endured enough in 2005, and I did not want to see that land of dread and sorrow again. Unfortunately, the people around me seemed more convinced that "a talent should not go to waste", and made various and numerous persuasions for me to return. My friends kept giving "positive confirmations of my abilities", telling me I am a really smart dude etcetc, with queer amazing abilities to ace everything without the need to study. I get that u folks mean well, I thank ya, but seriously, anyone that can succeed without expending a iota of effort is not human. And I certainly am made of flesh and blood.
The truth is, no one realised that my 2nd year was a flop. I went to school in the first half of the year in a daze. Rather emaciated, mind oddly focused only on calories and death, I spent most of the time skipping school ostensibly because lessons were boring and I wanted to do my own revision, but in actuality always staring into blank space and thinking how good it would be if I could escape to another life, or prolly. Oh yeah, and the third element of my life, to memorise all caloric information on foods available. It certainly helped that I belonged to that envied top band of students for much of my life, and everyone fell hook line and sinker for my excuses. This farce and farcade continued until the mid-term holidays, when as all illusions go, eventually collaspe. Yes, the sandman's sand castle disintegrated around him, and he himself crumbled into a pile of dust.
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Being a lazy bum, the author will now take a break and continuing posting reflections on events that actually happened in 2006, not some sad story of 2005.
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