We're seeking a fleeting dream in a world with no answers
The shining blaze in my heart will convey my wish

We're seeking an endless dream in a world with no guidance
Even if I lose this light someday
there will still be the shining blaze you lit in my heart
We'll turn these fragments of hope into wings

-From Tsubasa Reservior Chronicles

My light is critically dimmed. Will my wings still re-emerge? Can I still spread them, or dare to spread them?

Psychic spies steal my mind,
leave me empty within,
to see the joy around,
to ignore the pain that abounds.

I hate my home. I hate this life. I hate being 20 this year. I hate being born to my parents. Hatred used to be so good, when I could use it as a spur to better myself. Hatred now leaves me empty. You know what I regret most? Collasping at my peak. Collasping, ala twin towers. Collasping. Might as well have a nice cyanide pill now?

haven't really had the chance to blog recently. the sleep schedule of 10/11 - 4 + work schedule of 7.30/8 - 5/5.30/infinity means that I rarely surf on my comp nowadays...

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In any case, a certain bout of pensive thoughts struck me again recently. I suddenly realised that I'll be 20 this year. 20? Yet I can still get by on public transport paying student fares, and many people (including the nurse at ryan's ex-ward) believe me to be in the range of 14-15! And honestly, I wld rather remain that age.

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I was supposed to head out with ryan, kc and twinkle today to chill around (and shop haha) at vivo. Took a nap at around 2+. then woke with this massive stomach cramp at around 3+ coupled with a sore throat and green phlegm-jammed throat! WTF. The weekends man, the weekends, and I get sick? Now, I would be letting off fireworks if this were monday or something, but lord, oh lord, aren't you a cruel jerk. Hopefully you'll see the error of your ways dude, and redeem yourself quickly...

Graze

First visit to graze for brunch! Haha...ryan will be freaked by my food today :P

Recieved some positive news from ryan :)

Planning to visit him this weekend !

Like the guys at the office said, I really thank whichever being's up there that this is only a temporary posting. Kelvin, incredible you manage to endure that guy for so long...

Oh, and Mr Fung, plz respond...plz don't take some incredible long leave...

Wierd life. Wierd world. Wierd people.

Man, if only I didn't have to go to office. I could have rushed down or something. I don't know. It might not really be useful, but at least I can be there. But I ended up being stuck in camp. And despite the possession of an "internet comp" in office, I can't even log on to hotmail to send any emails. And I cldn't call the man during office hours. And when I finally can call him, he's not in office. And when I finally emails him, he has an auto-reply telling me he's on leave. I just hope my boy there can endure it man, for now. Be strong. There's people out here waiting for you, and trying their best to get you out. Strength buddy.

It really seems wierd how parents can want to hurt their child. Its odd. But if you folks seem to have given up on him, his friends haven't. If u decide you can't be bothered with him, we will take over. But no need to send a person straight to hell when helping hands abound.

Alone I clench my gun...

Called in sick today. Hmm, received message that I will still be housed within G2 for the moment. Whatever. Its just a waste of everyone's time. But if the fucking dude wanna screw me because he thinks I cheated my way to a low PES status or whatever, its his own problem.

They don't want me here

Oh, posted to G2 branch here, and its apparent no one there really wants me there. G2's an intel branch, for the uniniated, and normally they are sent outfield for training and stuff, which PES E folks like us are not allowed to participate in. Hence the folks are quite unwilling to put effort into training someone who can't do anything for them when the need arises. The chief clerk of G2 is planning to talk to the overall chief clerk about this, hoping to transfer me out. Not that I'm complaining. The dudes here are completely different from the folks in JCAC that I'm used to. Not different in a repulsive manner, just that they seem more "mature" I guess. I can just feel that the leisure topics they have amongst themselves are completely different from those amongst the JCAC folks. Prolly more along the lines of clubbing than the best way to slack :D. And oddly, every dude there is enormous. One of the guys had an arm that was prolly twice or trice the size of mine. And that's prolly pure muscle mass. In fact, I'm prolly the shortest, smallest, and thinnest guy there lol. So I'm not complaining if they want me out. The disparity between me and them are simply to great to ignore.

Feeling oddly tired and sick. Might have been struck by some blasted flu virus. Oh wells, whatever. Anyways, I finally bought Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence by Dream Theater! Ridiculously expensive at $39.90 , but considerably cheaper than the $53.90 I saw at HMV on Sunday! Might seem a little idiotic to buy songs which I already possess, but well, those were obtained from the ususal online sources, and I believe that if ya really love a band, at least ya gotta own a legal copy of their music right! See, I'm not such a immoral pirate!

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Saw on gono's blog that he added my to some syndicate stuff. Wow, when did blogging become to complicated! I remember when I started blogging like 3-4 years ago (my old blog!) , adding marquees to my blog seemed the pinacle of blogging technical skills already! Haha, guess I've been a voyeur for too long, and with the long lapse in blogging, am now completely left out of the loop! In any case, thx for linking me, gono!

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I was planning to narrate the 1st half of my past year now. However, oddly, I can't think of where to start. Guess I'll just leave it to another time.

The desparation for an audience?

Been blog surfing this morning. Having half a mind on exercising, but i'm oddly drained. Might be due to the fact the I forced myself to complete my exercise routine yesterday despite my legs feeling about to give way any moment, and then spent the day ambling around town.

I noticed that many folks seem to have decided to post their "reflections" of the year. Might this simply be a case of the diary going online, or more probably the desire to have an audience partake in the events we have undergone? To share our joy and woe, the 21st century method? The latter seems more probable, I guess, for if there were real secrets that hurt to the core, who would want a voyeuristic crowd to indulge in it?

Feeling drained yet bored. Since I'm online already, I might as well hop onto this bandwagon and post my own reflections.

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The year 2006 seem to have come and gone in a flash for me. I remember waking on 1st Jan 2006 very desperate. Tomorrow would the big day. I will have to return to a place of both happy and haunting memories. I will have to produce a full time faux-Eugene image again, one that appears carefree and cheerful, yet deep down tormented with thoughts of death, destruction, eating disorders, mistrust... Internally, I was ripping myself apart. Externally, I was raring to go.

Why? Why is it so traumatic to go to school? Because that was not lol's 2nd year in JC. It was his 3rd. The oh-so-perfect student, with such enviable results, surprisingly became the only one from his peers to repeat a year. Of course, I might have broken some record here by being the first and only repeat student to still be granted 2 S papers on his repeat year, but I was not really interested in that in any case. I desperately wanted my student life to simply end. At the point of time, I had endured enough in 2005, and I did not want to see that land of dread and sorrow again. Unfortunately, the people around me seemed more convinced that "a talent should not go to waste", and made various and numerous persuasions for me to return. My friends kept giving "positive confirmations of my abilities", telling me I am a really smart dude etcetc, with queer amazing abilities to ace everything without the need to study. I get that u folks mean well, I thank ya, but seriously, anyone that can succeed without expending a iota of effort is not human. And I certainly am made of flesh and blood.

The truth is, no one realised that my 2nd year was a flop. I went to school in the first half of the year in a daze. Rather emaciated, mind oddly focused only on calories and death, I spent most of the time skipping school ostensibly because lessons were boring and I wanted to do my own revision, but in actuality always staring into blank space and thinking how good it would be if I could escape to another life, or prolly. Oh yeah, and the third element of my life, to memorise all caloric information on foods available. It certainly helped that I belonged to that envied top band of students for much of my life, and everyone fell hook line and sinker for my excuses. This farce and farcade continued until the mid-term holidays, when as all illusions go, eventually collaspe. Yes, the sandman's sand castle disintegrated around him, and he himself crumbled into a pile of dust.

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Being a lazy bum, the author will now take a break and continuing posting reflections on events that actually happened in 2006, not some sad story of 2005.